Why Do People Watch This Stuff?

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Seeing as how it is getting closer and closer to that great time of year when the networks begin to announce their fall schedules for next season, I was going to write a post here extolling the virtues of some of the pilots that I’ve heard about, and wondering why networks keep ordering pilots for shows like Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea. I was ready to laugh at the idiotic studio executives who think that this idiotic premise for a show, based on the ramblings of an untalented alcoholic, could possibly be successful. Unfortunately, just as I was about to write that story, I realized that the most popular comedy on television for the last several seasons has been Two and A Half Men. When that realization hit me, I lost my faith in humanity.

It isn’t just that shows like Two and A Half Men are bad. It is that they are mind-numbingly awful. Unless you are using some creepy, robotic-voiced text to speech translator for this blog, then I assume that you are capable of reading. This fact, that you have enough of a capacity for intelligence that you are capable of learning the simple act of translating letters into words, means that you are not the target audience for these type of shows. Shows like these are meant for the neanderthals among us. They are meant for the people who think that Charlie Sheen and his misogynistic, abusive, addicted-self serving as a role model for a child is humorous. These shows are built for the lowest common denominator.

I felt a brief bit of hope when I learned that Charlie Sheen, the human train-wreck himself, had been fired from Two and A Half Men. I found it unlikely that they would bother to recast the character and, thus, would remove one piece of human excrement from the television schedule each week.

Unfortunately, then I remembered that this is television. There is always shit waiting in the wings. Don’t believe me? Check out some of this stuff.

You don’t even have to look at the crop of potential shows to really see that television loves unfunny shows. Every Thursday night, on CBS, you can see the natural progression of the Two and A Half Men curve. Instead of a shitty sitcom about 2 men and the child that they are tasked to raise together, you get a shitty sitcom about one man’s inability to function as a decent human being. In $h*! My Dad Says, the world’s most famous horrible actor, William Shatner, hams his way through a thirty minute anti-PC tirade every week. The main problem with the show is that, just like the comically bad title. the show tries to be edgy and hip, but actually is nothing but a tired attempt by the older-skewing CBS to try to seem cool. When the show debuted CBS could not tell us enough times that this show was “based off of the popular Twitter feed”. Unfortunately for CBS, what is funny in 140 characters is a hell of a lot less funny when stretched to 30 minutes a week. And, even though I am a loud and proud nerd, there is absolutely nothing hip about William Shatner. If you really wanted to go for hip, you should have cast Leonard Nimoy. Sadly, for CBS, Nimoy still has a modicum of pride.

And, because network executives seem to think that all television watchers are idiots, things look to only get worse in the coming seasons. More twitter feeds are being optioned to become television shows.

More disturbing than that, however, is the fact that Chelsea Handler‘s career continues to exist, and thrive, thanks to people optioning her book to make a television show out of. For those of you unaware who Handler is, then let me just give you a two sentence synopsis. Chelsea Handler is a comedienne, and I use that term very loosely, whose entire schtick revolves around being drunk and the hijinks that occur in that state. For some reason, this has qualified her to be paid handsomely for books and a talk show that airs on E!. Now, if she had just stayed in the pages of fraternity/sorority lit and on E!, I would have hated her still, but kept my mouth shut. It is when she attempts to invade network television, and have a scripted series based on her female Tucker Max schtick, that I feel that I need to speak up. If one person can tell me a single talent that Chelsea Handler actually possesses, with evidence, I will rethink my stance on this. However, I do not find the idea of glorifying a woman who seems to be famous for the pure fact that she drinks like a fish at all appealing. Perhaps the national Schadenfreude is just hoping that she will become the female version of Charlie Sheen in the coming weeks/months/years. But that isn’t likely, as she would have had to be relevant at some point to reach that level of media saturation.

I have to remind myself that it could be worse. They could be making I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell into a series. Or they could be making a series that stars Dane Cook, Carlos Mencia, Tucker Max, and Chelsea Handler. It would be called The End of Civilization As We Know It and it would be the highest rated show on television, I have no doubt.